2:50

All the stress lately has me feeling tense, brittle and run down. It seems like no matter how hard I try, I can't quite catch up with everything. I get frustrated over all the things that need to be done but I can't do, and when something goes wrong I get angry with myself. I'm in a lot of pain, and I'm tired. It breaks my heart to see T the way she is, and to see what it's doing to the kids. I never thought I had much motherly instinct, but apparently I do and the kids bring it out of me. I love them so much and just want them to be happy, healthy and safe. I want them to be kids while they can and not have to worry about adult matters.
I miss my kitty. The kids being here forced me to push it down and helped keep my mind off it, but now they're gone it's setting in. He was almost 15, and it will take a long time to get used to him not being here. Watching him die was the hardest thing... it tore me apart. I'm grateful to J for taking him in with me, because Hercles loved him too and I couldn't stand for him to suffer. I'm glad that he wasn't sick for long. He was chasing balls the week before he died, and I spoiled him as much as I could. I just can't get used to him not coming up to his spot to sleep, and hearing him purr as he settled in and put his head on my hand. Merlin misses him too. The first couple of days he walked around howling like he was looking for Hercules. I'm worried about leaving him alone while I'm away, but my brother will take good care of him. I know I'll write about him again when I have time, but it's late and I'm exhausted.
I cannot wait to get away. I just want to run away and have You hold me and feel safe and warm for a while. I get so tired of always having to be responsible for everything and fighting so hard to make things work. Getting away from here will be good for me. I'm lonely without You and I miss Your touch, Your smell, Your voice.

Time for sleep.

this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

EE Cummings - i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)



It's so quiet here and You seem so far away. I'm listening to Hercules, petting him and trying to let him know he's loved. I'm being selfish, I know, but I want You here with me. I need Your comfort, and to be held and to know You love me. I hope I do carry Your heart, and I will always be careful with it and cherish that You gave it to me. You've always had mine.

"My beloved".. they are secret, beautiful words. They make me think of twilight, and fireflies and a deep abiding love that grows stronger over time.
I am on a reckless path and it feels good. I am flying, rushing headlong into a dream and trusting that I won't plummet.

I have been on hold for so very long.

Sleep.

It took me years to seal it all up, to bury it, to hide everything from myself. I kept coming across things that were reminders and had to get rid of all of them. I had to force myself to stop thinking because nothing I could do would make it better. Once in a while over the years I would mention it to someone, or a stray thought would come across my radar and I would make myself slam the lid on everything I so carefully buried.
Now I am afraid of unlocking it, but find that I'm willing to. I just have to handle it with extreme caution to keep it from cutting me too deeply. Maybe I will find that time has dulled its sharp edges after all. Really, I'm going to try not to worry about it and take things a step at a time.

I know that I have to do something to change things because I don't want to keep on like this. I hope my trip helps...I really can't wait for that. It's been far too long since I've had any sort of adventure.

The Blind Assassin

I know I said I'd quit using this blog for personal stuff, but when I want to write, this is convenient and I don't think many people read it any way. I just finished Margaret Atwood's "The Blind Assassin". It was really good, hard to define, and not the type of book I normally go for, but it affected me none the less. I read her book "Oryx and Crake" and absolutely loved it, then read "The Handmaid's Tale" and liked that one also. I picked up several of her other books and they held no interest.. some of her earlier work I found too introspective. I thought "The Blind Assassin" was going to be the same at first, but it wasn't. It struck a chord in me, as parts of it echoed of my own life, and made me sad. However, that's not what I wanted to write about. I think the book is on my mind because in it, an elderly lady is telling the tale of what really happened in her life, and setting straight the many misconceptions about her and her sister. I found myself wishing I had a sister, but I don't know if it would do any good. When I'm hurt, I am like a caterpillar, curling in on myself to protect my center and repel any probing.

I have so much bottled inside me.. it's hard to let it out.

Gilpin Falls Covered Bridge

I'm having a difficult time getting much of anything done today. I'm trying to blog for 1KM, but I'm just pretty much out of it. I don't really want to go into the reasons why. I'm tired of whining. There's a new market on 1KM for "Treasures of the Chesapeake", so I'm trying to do a blog for that.
It's nice out though, and my roses are in bloom. I have baby bunnies in the yard and a large variety of birds visiting the feeders. I saw a red headed woodpecker this morning, and my flocks of goldfinches are always fun to watch. :) I have birds nesting in the yard and squirrels trying to steal sunflower seed. Unfortunately, the adorable baby bunnies are eating my veggies, but they are the cutest fluffballs I've ever seen. :) There were four of them.. I'm not sure how many are there now, as they've gotten sneakier, but I saw either a hawk or an eagle in my yard so I fear there may not be four of them any more. I saw one yesterday though that I thought had gone, so there are probably others. :)

The new market "Treasures of the Chesapeake" is now open, featuring artists who live in the Chesapeake Bay area. My town is on the river that feeds into the Bay. It's a small town that gets overwhelmed with tourists every year. The town itself only has two streets, one going in and ending at the state park, and the other going out. It is quaint, and full of antique shops and seafood restaurants. Every Spring tourists from all over start piling in to go to the water, where they keep their boats, or to visit the state forest, or just stroll around this little town. There are various events on the water throughout the summer, and people are bussed in, since the town itself is unable to handle that kind of traffic. While most people visit for the water and forest, this entire area is rich in history dating to the 1600s.
Gilpin Falls Covered Bridge is near my house. The bridge dates to 1860 and is 119 feet long, which makes it the longest covered bridge in Maryland. There were a few mills near the bridge, one of which was a flour mill dating to the early 1700s. The bridge was bypassed in the 1930s and now sits beside the highway. It is lower than the highway though, so when you walk down to it, you are in a sort of bowl, and the noise from the highway is muffled by the sounds of the water over the falls. The bridge was rebuilt once in the 1950s, but has been falling apart ever since. It sags, and numerous slats are missing from the walls. Inside was heavily vandalized, and they've had a warning up for years to not go on the bridge. Last year they finally put gates up on either end, which I was sad to see. The county has been arguing over whether to save it or not, as the cost of repair is enormous. I believe they even had it for sale at one point. Now they are finally repairing it, and while I am glad it is to be saved, it is also sad to see the naked bones of its structure while they work on it. The bridge sits over the creek, pooling in stillness where water lilies grow and people fish. I've seen a variety of flora and fauna there, and it's quite beautiful. I've always liked walking in the woods along the creek and looking at the variety of plant life. Unfortunately, the people who live on the other side of the woods have vinca vine which is highly invasive and which is taking over the woods, smothering out the smaller native plants.
There are a lot of large granite boulders sitting among the woods, upon which grow mosses and ferns. I normally circle around to come out on the creek further down from the bridge. There the water is loud as it crashes over the boulders and they are placed so that it is possible to climb out into the middle of the creek on top of them. There are trees that sit on top of some of the boulders, with their roots like liquid running over the rock and down into the water to find dirt. It amazes me that they are able to grow like that. It was from one of these boulders that I took the photo listed. It was winter, and a still day, and the reflection of the bridge in the water was just stunning.
We had a horrible drought here a couple of summers ago, and the creek was the lowest I had ever seen. There is a concrete barrier just past the pool, before it drops to the falls. I'm not sure what it was originally for, but it was completely uncovered and you could walk across the creek without getting wet. Further down, the water was so low, we waded across the creek barefoot to get to the miniature "islands" in the middle of the creek. I found a lot of old bricks and shards of pottery in the water, I'm assuming from the various mills that were once here. It's a peaceful place, and I've always liked to see it throughout the different seasons. The flowers include Bloodroot in the Spring, then dogtooth violets and Spring beauty, giving way to Cardinal flower, water lilies, blue lobelia and jewel weed, finally ending in wild sunflower, Strawberry bush, and a variety of berries in the Fall.
When they finish rebuilding the bridge, I'm sure it will be complete, with no holes to peek out of, and no flooring missing. I'm sure it will be safe, and sturdy and have a bright new paintjob. I'm glad it is being saved, but I like the vision I have of it, the way it's been my entire life, and I'm glad to have captured it as such.

Things left behind

For my blog at Forgotten Beauty

When I'm exploring various places, often the things that were left behind are of the greatest interest. They are clues to what went on in these places. One thing that never ceases to amaze me is the sheer amount of waste, especially in old hospitals. I have explored buildings so full of stuff that you could not walk through a room, or open a door. I've seen countless wheelchairs and old beds and office supplies and boxes of patient records. The last is probably the most disturbing, that they would leave patient records laying about in abandoned buildings.
The most intimate to me are what the patients left behind. Patient's artwork, photos and belongings tell a little about who they were. Sometimes the things left behind are what really brings a place to life for me. I can imagine the patients, and what they did while they were there. Furniture always makes me think of who spent time sitting there...and what did they think about?
Hospital waste is always fascinating. I see these wheelchairs and think they could have been reused. I've seen rooms full of equipment, some still in the crates, and by now probably hopelessly outdated, but when they first closed I'm sure they were not.
In the tunnels beneath one hospital I came across a cold war bomb shelter. There was a yellow and black sign for radiation and a wheelchair in the hall leading to it. It's a pitch black maze down there and I stumbled across this quite by accident. Inside, I found the shelter had been fully stocked sometime in the '50s or '60s. Against one wall was stacked drums of Civil Defense Survival Supplies. Some were marked drinking water. Others had been opened but were still stocked with soap, toilet paper; basic sanitary items. There was an entire room stacked full of crates, most of which had been looted. However, many were still untouched. Inside the crates were bandages, medicine bottles, IV kits, urine specimen bottles, medicine in vials (mostly evaporated), medical instruments, everything you could imagine. We found a packing slip and the 'choice' items were missing... things like scalpels and such, but even after being looted repeatedly the amount of stuff was amazing. In the room with crates, you had to walk across the crates to navigate the room. There were sewing machines and all kinds of equipment I had no name for. I'd love to go back to it again soon, before it gets torn down or torn apart.
Urban explorers have sort of adopted the Sierra Club motto - Take only photos, leave only footprints, but the more a place gets known, the more items tend to walk off. In doing so, it leaves a little less for the next expolorer to examine.